


Go Ahead

by Zoe13



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M, Self-Harm, attempted suicide, highschool!au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-02
Updated: 2013-09-05
Packaged: 2017-12-25 09:13:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,736
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/951323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zoe13/pseuds/Zoe13
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Niall just wants to coast through life loving everyone and being loved in return. <br/>Except he never gets what he wants. His three friends, Liam, Louis, and Harry, all go to other schools and don't realize the shit he goes through. </p><p>So will the new kid, Zayn, make things better or worse?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Random spur-of-the-moment shit, hope you like it!

Niall clutched his books tightly and kept his head down as he scurried out of the classroom and to his locker. He had to grab his textbooks for science class and he hoped to go unnoticed on the way there. 

"Hey! Leprechaun!"

But, as usual, his hopes meant nothing. Ned and a few of his friends caught up with him at his locker, and he stopped, willing away his headache. 

"He said something to you, dumbass," one of Ned's friends said. "Be polite and reply." They'd stopped by him, forming a half-circle that trapped him against the locker. 

"Hello," Niall said, voice trembling. 

"Aw, the little girl's scared," another boy cooed. Niall squeezed his eyes shut to fight back tears and he heard Ned step forward. 

"You're such a fucking faggot," he told him. Spit hit Niall's face and he turned his head away. "Look at me when I'm talking to you!"

And then Niall was on the floor, his textbooks digging into his ribs as he clutched them. Several sharp kicks later, the other boys got their books and left, barely making it in time for class. 

Niall pulled himself to his feet, staggering a little and feeling dizzy. He clutched his ribcage with one hand and traded out books with the other, breathing deeply. 

He was late for class again.  
. . . . . . . . . . 

"Hey Ni, what's up?" Louis said over the phone. Niall shuffled his feet awkwardly. 

"Uhm...just saying hello."

"Niall, you should be eating lunch."

"Oh, I did," Niall lied. "Am I bothering you?"

"Well, it's lunchtime..." Louis sighed. "How about you coke to my house after school and we'll hang out with Haz and Li?"

"Okay," Niall said, fighting back tears. "Yeah, we'll have fun."

"I'm sorry we're not there," Louis said. "But you're doing fine, right?"

"Yeah. Yeah, it's okay. Just boring." Niall wiped his eyes, taking a shuddering breath. "Okay. I won't keep you."

"Bye Niall; love you."

"You too," Niall said before ending the call and sliding the mobile into his pocket. He had a horrible headache and the loneliness had just slammed into him. He couldn't go into the cafeteria and just sit alone. It was awful. 

He leaned against the wall, hands covering his face as he broke down. Liam, Louis, and Harry all went to a private school that Niall's parents couldn't afford. Niall had met Louis when they were younger, and then Louis' parents struck it rich in some shares. Niall met Harry and Liam through Louis and they became great friends. Niall didn't want to tell them about life at school, though. They all did so well in life- Harry and Louis' relationship had met only minor bumps and Liam was dating a dream girl. They were best friends with each other only, but they had multiple other friends. 

Niall was alone. 

He exhaled, wiping his face on his sleeve. He looked up and panicked. 

Amber eyes looked at him from a doorway a few feet away, watching curiously. They belonged to a boy about his age with tanned skin and black hair styled into a quiff. In his left hand he held a sketchbook and in his right he held a pencil. Their eyes locked for a moment and Niall felt a little lost, looking so boldly at someone else. 

Then he turned and ran.   
. . . . . . . . . . 

Niall sat in the back of the classroom, fiddling anxiously with his hoodie's sleeves. He pulled them up to his knuckles and rested them on the table. There was still a bit of a burn from the cuts he'd made in the bathroom during the remainder of lunchtime. 

Someone slid into the seat next to him and he jerked in surprise. Turning, he saw it was the black-haired boy from earlier. He turned his face away quickly, worried the boy would be angry at him for staring. 

"Hello," the boy said. 

Niall looked at him blankly, eyes wide. 

"I'm Zayn," the boy tried again, smiling. Niall blinked. "Should I jot have sat here?"

"No!" Niall blurted. "It's fine."

"Oh, good. I was worried it was taken," the boy- Zayn -said. 

Niall almost choked. "No. It's never- it's-" he stopped, not quite sure what to say. 

"Alright," Zayn said almost kindly. Niall looked down at his hands again. 

"Hello everyone," Ms. Fredericksen greeted. "We have a new student here from Bradford. He arrived a little late today, but he'll be joining us from now on. Zayn Malik, can you wave your hand?"

Zayn waved his hand and Niall tried to burrow into his hoodie as every student turned and looked in their direction. Zayn didn't seem to notice. 

The rest of the class was spent in awkward silence, Niall still trying to hide.   
. . . . . . . . 

Niall was surprised when no more abuse came his way that day, but he realized it was because Ned was trying to become Zayn's new best friend. Niall had to admit he saw why. Not only was Zayn extremely good-looking, he seemed genuinely nice, smart, and every girl in the school was already prepared to swoon at his feet. Ned couldn't afford to be hostile toward him.  
Niall made it home without another blow and sighed with relief as he headed straight to his room. 

Quickly packing a few things and changing his shirt, Niall headed back downstairs to say goodbye to his mum. 

"Hey, Niall," she greeted, pen scratching on some paper as she took notes off of her iPad. 

"Hey, Mum," he answered, sitting on one of the stools at the counter. 

"How was school?" She asked absently. 

"Terrible," he tried. 

"That's nice," she said, before muttering some numbers and names under her breath. 

Niall left, not bothering to fight back the tears.  
. . . . . . . . . . 

"Niall! What's up?" Louis asked as Niall entered his bedroom. Liam and Harry were already there. "Why are your eyes red?"

"What? Oh, I hit my head on your door and my eyes watered up."

"That's Niall, my klutz," Louis said fondly, reaching over and ruffling Niall's hair. Niall smiled weakly. 

"Hey," Harry greeted, hugging Niall. "Anything new?"

"There's a new kid at school," Niall said. 

"Really? What's he like?" Louis asked. 

"I'm...not sure," Niall said. 

"Well, what did he look like?" Liam asked. 

"He was about my height, tanned, he had black hair, and his eyes were brown but they looked sort of like...amber."

"Oh. That sounds nice," Louis said. "Let's play some games!"  
. . . . . . . . . . 

Sometimes, Niall felt too deep for his friends. Not like they were shallow or stupid, just that they didn't understand his thought process but totally understood each others'. 

People like Ned didn't understand, either. 

Speaking of Ned, the boy had once again let Niall alone for hours. It wasn't until school let out that Niall found himself cornered once again and starting to choke up. 

"C'mon, leprechaun, don't be a baby."

Two boys grabbed his arms and suddenly his head was dunked in the school's old trough. It was full of rainwater, and Niall choked, water spilling from his mouth as his head was yanked up again. Ned fisted a hand in his hair and dunked him under again. 

Niall kicked, unable to breathe. As Ned pulled him up, he coughed, noticing the large crowd of wide-eyed kids watching him be half-drowned. 

"Why are you doing this?" He rasped at Ned. Ned narrowed his eyes at him. 

"Because you're a damn faggot!" He said, shoving him under again. As he was pulled up again, Niall lost it. He threw out his arms, shoving the two boys away momentarily and facing Ned, looking up at the boy who'd beaten him for years. 

"I'm a faggot? Over the years you've hurled that nickname at me, I've seen you kiss thirteen different boys, Ned. Thirteen! That's more than I have."

Several of Ned's friends turned to him, eyeing him strangely. 

"Is that true?" One asked. Ned turned red, spitting. 

"You little shit!" He screamed, launching himself at Niall. Niall hit the ground, his bag flying away from him and his back slamming painfully into the dirt. Ned was on him in an instant, hitting him over and over again. He usually didn't hit Niall in the face, but now Niall could feel the blood running from his nose, his eyes....he tried to bring his hands up to shield himself, but it did no good. 

Two of Ned's friends grabbed him, pulling him back and trying to calm him down as Niall tried to stand. The back door to the school swung open and Zayn came out, but Niall barely noticed.

"I'm gonna kill you!" Ned spat, jerking against the two other boys. Niall felt a strange calm go over him. 

"Go ahead," he said. "I don't care."

Silence fell, cold, shocked silence, and Niall knew everyone could tell that he'd meant it, that he really didn't care. Ned's face went from furious to confused, and he stopped fighting the two boys holding him back. Niall wiped his face, but his sleeve came away bloody. 

"Alright," Zayn's voice said, and Niall noticed he'd come to stand between Niall and Ned, "I've seen enough. Everyone go home."

To Niall's surprise, they did, all of them giving him curious or sympathetic looks. Niall cringed. 

Zayn turned to him. "Are you alright? I think you need a doctor-" he surged forward as Niall swayed, dizzy. Warm hands grasped Niall's arms and held him upright. "Do you walk here?" He asked. 

"Yes," Niall said, tasting blood from his split lip. 

"I'll help you home, then," Zayn said, leaning down and picking up Niall's bag. "You live a few houses down from us- your mum met my mum, I'm not stalking you, I swear."

"Thanks," Niall said, "but I'll be fine."

"But-"

"I just...need a minute." Niall inhaled deeply, trying to calm himself. After a moment, he took his bag and stepped away, wobbling. The earth shifted and he sank down again. 

"Whoa there!" Zayn grabbed him again, one arm around his waist and the other over his shoulder. "I can't let you try to walk home like this."

"Thanks," Niall slurred. He was pretty sure he had a bad concussion and would need numerous stitches. There was no explaining this away. "And thanks for...getting them to go away."

"You meant it, didn't you," Zayn said. It wasn't a question, and Niall knew what he was talking about.

"Yes," he said quietly. Zayn pulled Niall's left arm over his shoulder and started helping him walk, guiding him down the sidewalk. 

"Why?" Zayn asked. Niall laughed a bit humorlessly. 

"What you saw part of right there is a bit of why."

Zayn went silent after that, helping Niall along slowly. The normally short walk home seemed to take forever, their pace less than half the speed Niall's usually was when he didn't have to stop every step while the world span. Zayn was patient, however, and they finally reached the door. 

"Thank you," Niall said, turning. He knew he looked like a wreck and he saw sympathy on Zayn's face, but he smiled slightly. "See you around."

"No probem. Be...be careful." Then Zayn was gone and Niall turned and went into the house. 

"What the hell happened to your face?!" His mother greeted. Niall smiled weakly at her sudden interest in him. 

"Got beat up at school."

"Oh my- Niall! How did that happen?"

"A kid called me a faggot and I told him I knew he was at least bi. He didn't like that," Niall said a little numbly. His mother stepped forward and examined his face. "I think I have a concussion."

"How did you get home?" His mum asked incredulously.

"Zayn helped me home. He got N-the kid to stop beating me."

"Who's Zayn?"

"The new boy a few houses down."

"Oh! I met his mum. She's a nice woman." She stopped as if she'd forgotten something. "Right! The school is gonna hear about this! I'm taking you to the hospital, and then I'm calling the principal."

Niall sighed, wondering if Ned would beat him the next day.


	2. Chapter 2

Niall drummed his fingers on the kitchen counter, hearing his mother's muffled voice coming from the next room as she spoke with the principal. Niall winced, feeling the stitches on his face. 

He had a black eye and various other bruises covering his face. His nose was broken, his left eyebrow and right jaw were stitched up, and his forehead and cheeks had several butterfly bandages. He sighed, running his fingertips under his sleeve and feeling the raised cuts and scars there. 

"Niall!" Louis' voice called. Liam, Louis, and Harry came through the front door, closing it behind them and entering the kitchen. "We wanted to- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR FACE?"

Niall cringed as Louis shrieked. "I...got beat up. By a guy at school."

"Why?" Liam asked, looking every bit as shocked as Louis, who was fumbling for words.

"He called me a faggot, I told him I knew he was at least bi, and he beat me up," Niall answered, trying to skim over the story. 

"Son of a bitch!" Louis exclaimed. 

Harry was looking at Niall strangely. "How long has this been going on?"

"What?" Louis and Liam asked at the same toke before turning to look at Niall, confused. 

Understanding dawned on Liam's face. "Yeah, Niall. How long?"

"Uhm." Niall shifted uncomfortably. "Five years?"

"What the actual FUCK?" Louis burst out. "You little shit! Why didn't you tell us?"

"Because I couldn't!" Niall yelled, feeling angry all of a sudden. "You're all living your perfect lives with your girlfriends and boyfriends, and any friends at all, your parents dote on you, and no one beats you up! How could I tell you? It already made me feel like I wasn't your equal!"

"Niall, there is no way in which you are no our equal," Harry said quietly. "We're not perfect. Maybe we have some things you don't, but we don't live wonderful lives. Life can be shit for everyone. But you are definitely our equal, understand?"

"Yes," Niall lied. Harry looked at him like he didn't believe him and seemed like he was about to say something, but the doorbell rang, interrupting him.

"I'll get it," Liam said, heading to the front door.

"Is Niall home?" Zayn's voice asked politely, and Niall stood and hurried to the door. 

"Hey, Zayn," he said, suddenly feeling shy again. Zayn gave him a small wave and smiled. 

"Hi Niall. I just wanted to see how you were doing after...earlier."

"Better, thanks. You can come in."

Zayn stepped in and shut the door behind him. Niall's friends eyed him suspiciously. 

"Your face looks better," Zayn commented. 

"It does?" Louis asked incredulously. They all turned to look at Niall's face, and Niall fought to keep himself from turning red under their scrutiny. 

"Uh...yeah?" Zayn said awkwardly, shuffling from foot to foot. 

"So how do you know Niall?" Louis asked sweetly.

"I met him today," Zayn said. "I'm just starting at his school."

"How did you meet?"

"He helped me home after N- I got beaten up. And he got him to stop," Niall said, deciding not to mention the other times. 

Louis looked at Zayn like he could kiss him. Zayn turned red. 

"It wasn't like I had to fight anyone," he said. "Not that I wouldn't have," he added hurriedly. "Anyway, I'm glad you're doing better."

"Me too," Louis said. "Five fucking years, Niall!"

"Five years what?" Zayn asked.

"I'm Liam, by the way," Liam interrupted, extending his hand. 

"Zayn Malik," Zayn answered, shaking it.

"I'm Harry and that's my boyfriend, Louis," Harry said. Zayn shook Harry's hand but Louis was too busy thinking about blackmail and bodies in backyards to shake his hand. 

"Anyway, it was nice to meet you," Zayn said. "I should go."

"Come any time!" Louis piped up. 

"Yeah," Niall said, feeling a little brave. "It was great seeing you."

Zayn quirked a smile at him. "See you around."

"You go to Niall's school, you said?" Louis asked. 

"Yeah; I'll look out for him if you'd like," Zayn said. Louis nodded and Zayn left, the door swinging shut behind him.

"Good kid," Louis said, sounding like a fond aunt. Niall turned red. 

"Yeah," he said. "He's nice." 

"Is he the one you mentioned...?"

"Yeah."

"Oh."

"He's cute," Harry said. 

"What?" Niall spluttered. 

"No really," Louis interrupted. "Haz is right. He is kinda cute. More on the hot side, though."

Niall turned red again.  
. . . . . . . . . . 

Zayn caught up with Niall as he walked to school, falling into step next to him.

"How's your face?" He asked. 

"Fine," Niall said, suddenly feeling self-conscious at the reminder of his battered face. Zayn didn't seem to notice. 

"Is it alright if I stick with you all day? I haven't really met anyone and anyway, I know this kid's type. They don't just let things go."

"If you're sure. I mean, that would be great. But you don't have to, if you want to talk to people and make friends."

"Why can't I do that while I'm with you?" Zayn asked, puzzled. Niall looked away, avoiding his eyes. 

"Because no one goes near the 'freak.' It's an unspoken rule."

"The 'freak'?"

"Me."

"What?" Zayn exclaimed incredulously. "Do they really call you that?"

"Yeah- freak, faggot, piece of shit....you name it, they use it."

"I can see maybe the one kid doing it- but everyone?" Zayn asked, stepping into the school parking lot. 

"He dominates the school. There's a long chain of kids that do what he does."

"That's bullshit!" Zayn burst out. "Why you?"

"I wish I knew," Niall said. "Maybe it's because it's all true." 

Zayn stopped short, turning to face Niall. Niall stopped too. 

"Don't believe it," Zayn said. "Just...don't. They're stupid and they don't know what they're saying or why they're saying it. So please, don't listen to them." 

"But-"

"There's no 'but' in this case, Niall! No matter who they're talking about, it's not true." 

"Alright."

"You don't believe me, do you," Zayn said. Niall paused and then shook his head. Zayn sighed and Niall turned, walking into the school.  
. . . . . . . . . . 

Zayn sat with him through every class that morning, smiling and laughing, but toning it down when Niall seemed to be stuck in his own head. Ned didn't go anywhere near Niall, and Niall didn't know if his words the day before had scared him, or if Zayn intimidated him somehow.

All he knew was that he'd meant what he'd said. 'Go ahead. I don't care.' 

He excused himself to the bathroom and hid in a stall, sitting on the toilet seat and clutching his arms. Yesterday's cuts burned as his hands touched the fabric covering them, and Niall rolled up sleeves. His arms were a wreck. Scars overlapped each other, deep and puckered at the edges. 

He fumbled in his bag, finding the small box of razors and grabbing one. He dug the edge into his right arm, dragging it through the skin and watching the trail of blood following quickly after it. The skin parted and he sighed deeply.  
A moment later, however, he realized the bleeding hadn't slowed. Panicking, he dropped the razor and the bag and looked out of the stall. There was no one else around, and he ran to the sink, turning the faucet on and shoving his arm under the running water. It burned, and he hissed in pain. Blood filled the sink bowl, but the blood flow finally started to subside. 

The door opened and Niall's head shot up, his eyes widening. Zayn stood in the doorway, looking unsurprised but worried. He stepped forward and took Niall's arm gently, pulling it out of the sink. Niall looked up at him, watching his eyebrows furrow at the sight of Niall's arm. 

The blood dripped off into the sink, revealing the scars all over Niall's mutilated arm. 

"I'm going to get the first aid kit," Zayn said. "One of the teachers told me there's one in here."

He went to the cabinet on the left and quickly returned with a first aid kit. 

"You might need stitches," Zayn told him quietly. 

"I- I can't," Niall said. 

"Okay," Zayn said. "It might be alright. The bleeding's finally stopped." He pulled the roll of gauze from the kit and began wrapping it around Niall's arm. When he deemed it thick enough, he ripped it and taped it down with the medical tape.

"Thank you," Niall said after Zayn put the kit away. He rolled down his sleeves, unsure of what to do. Zayn smiled sadly. 

"It's alright. Just...let me help. Please."

"How?" Niall asked. "I can't even help myself."

Zayn looked at him, looked him right in the eyes, and Niall felt himself trapped in his gaze. 

He stepped back, going to the stall and putting everything back in his backpack.

"You missed history," Zayn said.

"Okay," Niall said quietly.

"It's lunchtime. Are you coming?"

"I-"

"I'll sit with you. I don't have anyone else to sit with."

"Okay. Yeah. I'll come." Niall slung his bag over his shoulder and followed Zayn out of the bathroom.  
. . . . . . . . . . 

Zayn stepped out of the school with Niall, walking beside him through the parking lot.

"Thanks for not saying anything," Niall said. "I know you probably think I'm crazy."

"I don't," Zayn said firmly. "I really don't. I just wish you wouldn't do it."

"I've sort of relied on it for a while..."

"How long?" Zayn asked. 

"Five years," Niall said. 

"Is that what your friend Louis meant about five years?" 

"No! None of them know. It was five years ago that...well, the beating started. That was when I first started getting beaten up. It was also when my parents first started fighting, and when my older brother Greg left."

Zayn looked at him. "I know words fall awfully short, but...I'm sorry."

"It's alright. It's not your fault."

"Well," Zayn said, stopping. "This is my house." 

He looked a little reluctant and Niall felt that odd rush of bravery again. "Hey...I'm hanging out with Li, Louis, and Harry today. Do you want to come?"

"Sure!" Zayn said. "Can I drop my stuff off?"

"How about you meet me at my house?" Niall suggested. "Then we'll walk there. Harry's house is only a ten minute walk away."

"Sounds great. Seeya in a bit!" Zayn ran up the steps to his house and Niall felt himself smiling as he continued on to his own house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry, but I just haaad to extend this. I hope you like it!


	3. Chapter 3

Niall met Zayn out on the Horan's front porch, finding himself unable to fight the small smile that pushed it's way onto his face. Zayn smiled back and Niall fell into step beside him as they headed down the sidewalk. 

"It's in the Roseton Square neighborhood," Niall told the other boy. 

Zayn whistled. "Nice."

"Yeah, I know."

"So...how are you now?" Zayn asked quietly. Niall sighed, looking up at the sky and squinting in the sunlight. 

"Same as always. Everything's the same. Mum and dad fight. Liam, Louis, and Harry are energetic and happy. I get beat up- well, I suppose that didn't happen."

"Good," Zayn said fiercely. "Because I'll kick his ass if he goes near you again."

"It's alright," Niall told him. 

"No it's not!" Zayn protested. "He's just a coward. A big, fucking stupid coward."

"I know," Niall said quietly. 

"Then why do you put up with it?" Zayn asked. 

"I told you," Niall said; "it makes him happy and I deserve it."

Zayn grabbed Niall's arm, stopping him. 

"That's fucking bullshit," he said. "I said it once and I'll keep saying it. I don't know why the hell you believe him, but it's just shit. None of it's true, alright? None of it!"

"But-"

"No. Just stop and listen. That kid's known you for years and I've only known you for a few days, but I feel like I know you so much better. You're not stupid, you're not worthless, and whether or not you're actually gay or whatever, it doesn't matter. I really don't think he believes what he says either."

"Then why does he say it?" Niall snapped. "Why do I see it in the eyes of everyone I meet? My parents, my brother, my friends? The only person I haven't felt like that around is you and I don't know why."

"Niall, I only saw your friends for a moment, but I didn't see any of that. Five years is a long time to hear such shit about you and after a while your brain makes you see it everywhere, changes what's there and makes it something different. They don't think any of that, Niall, and neither do I." 

Niall turned and started walking again, and Zayn ran to catch up with him. 

"Niall-"

"Just...leave it, Zayn."

"Alright," Zayn said quietly, making Niall flinch and feel guilty. 

"Thank you," Niall said quietly, and Zayn seemed to understand. 

"No problem."

They entered the mouth of the neighborhood and Niall quickly spotted the Styles' house. 

"It's the blue one," he told Zayn, pointing it out. Zayn nodded. 

"Cool."

They reached it quickly and Niall didn't bother to knock, having visited often. They headed straight up to Harry's room and found Louis and Liam already there. 

"Sorry," Niall waved. "I'm a little late. I brought Zayn."

"Cool!" Harry said. Louis got off the bed.

"Heya," he beamed. 

"Hullo," Zayn said, setting down his bag. Niall threw himself into a chair and Zayn sat in the one by it. 

"So what do you want to do?" Liam asked them all. 

"Let's watch a movie," Louis suggested. 

"My mum put a TV ban up for today," Harry said. "She claims I've been watching too much telly."

"Damn," Louis said. "How about a game?"

"No!" Niall wailed. "No truth or dare!"

"What about Clue?" Liam suggested. They all quickly agreed and soon Niall found himself on his stomach in front of the board, sprawled on the floor between Louis and Zayn. 

"Why am I Mrs. Peacock?" He asked, pouting. 

"Because your eyes are blue," Harry said. 

"But Louis' are too, and you're not Mr. Green."

"Whatever. Just play the game."

"Ready?" Liam asked and then rolled the dice. 

Pretty soon they were very into the game, taking notes and over-exaggerating when they saw someone else's card. Zayn was surprised at Niall's apparent happiness, but realized that he'd had five years of practice.

Once, Niall's sleeve had slid up and Zayn had subtly reached out and tugged it down, his fingers lightly brushing Niall's pale skin. Niall felt like he'd been electrocuted, and the tingly feeling still hadn't completely gone away when the game ended. Liam had won because no one else was fully paying attention, and the were soon crowded on the bed and in chairs again, contemplating entertainment options. 

"Niall," Harry said suddenly, "I wanted to ask you about a chord."

"Sure," Niall said. "Why don't you get your guitar?"

Harry pulled his guitar out of the closet and handed it to the blonde, who took it almost reverently. 

"You play?" Zayn asked Harry. 

"Learning," the boy shrugged. "Niall's amazing. I just use it as an excuse to get him to play."

The blonde was too wrapped up in tuning the instrument to hear them, nd Zayn smiled fondly. 

"Play the one you played last time!" Louis bellowed from the bed.

"Which one?" Niall asked, frowning. 

"The A Team," Liam said. "I loved that one too."

"Oh! Ed Sheeran's the best." Niall fiddled with the guitar a bit and then sat back, adjusting it in his lap. His fingers began moving, dancing over the strings gently but firmly. Zayn watched them, mesmerised, until Niall began to sing. 

The room fell perfectly quiet, the four listeners watching intently as the words flowed from Niall's lips. Each word kept them captive, but Niall didn't notice, his mind far away as he sang. 

Zayn couldn't help but think he looked beautiful, blue eyes full of wonder and passion, lips forming words, and graceful fingers pulling such beautiful sounds from the guitar. He didn't falter, didn't waver, and Zayn saw a whole new Niall in the short minutes before the song ended and he snapped back to reality. The playing stopped and Niall's cheeks tinged red as he saw them all staring. 

"You're so talented!" Louis groaned, flopping backwards on the bed.

"He's right," Liam said, smiling. 

"Did you like it, Zayn?" Niall asked shyly, meeting his eyes. 

"You're amazing," Zayn breathed, and Niall ducked his head, smiling softly. 

When it came time to leave, Louis insisted that they all exchange phone numbers, adding them onto Zayn's mobile before he left. Louis saved his as "Badass Motherfucker," and Niall laughed, a beautiful sound Zayn would never forget. 

The walk back was quiet, but in a nice way. Niall walked right by Zayn, their hands brushing together, and Zayn found himself blushing a bit. Niall's downcast eyes reminded him of earlier that day, though, and he thought of all the scars hidden beneath Niall's sleeves, remunders of everything he'd gone through.

"Hey," Zayn said softly as they reached Niall's house. "I'll see you tomorrow, yeah?"

"Yeah," Niall said, looking disappointed that he had to leave. 

"Thanks for inviting me," Zayn said. "I had a lot of fun. And Niall, they love you, all of them. But they also respect and admire you."

"How can you know that?" Niall asked, looking up at him.

"All my life, I've sat in the corners and watched people," Zayn told him. "No one ever beat me up, but no one wanted me around either. So I studied them. I've been watching people my whole life- I see when they admire or love someone because I've seen it so many times."

"Thank you," Niall said, and again Zayn understood that he didn't quite know what to say. Zayn took Niall's hand and squeezed it gently. 

"Hey," he said. "You're a beautiful person." 

With one last smile, he turned and went home.  
. . . . . . . . . 

Zayn's mobile buzzed, pulling him from his sleep. Looking over at his clock, he saw that it was 2:13. Checking his phone and seeing Niall's name, he immediately answered it.

"Hello?"

"H-hey," Niall said shakily. "Did I wake you? Damn. Of course I did." His voice caught. "It's fucking 2 o'clock."

"Did you not notice?" Zayn asked, sitting up and running a hand through his hair.

"No," Niall admitted. 

"So what did you need?" Zayn asked. 

"I- I wanted to do it again. My blade-" Niall cut himself off. "I'm sorry. I don't know why I called. This is fucking stupid-"

"No, it's okay," Zayn said quickly. "It's fine."

"Are you sure? I'm really sorry. I don't know what possessed me to call you I just-" Niall stopped again. 

"What?"

"I just feel right when I talk to you. Like I can tell you anything," he said. 

"You can," Zayn said. "You can tell me anything and everything. So tell me- what's wrong right now?"

"I don't know. I don't really feel as terrible now. I just felt...lost. Like I wasn't there."

"But you feel better now?"

"Yes."

"Do you think you can go to sleep? You need it."

"I don't know."

"Where are you?"

"I'm lying in bed. I can try to sleep."

"Have you tried listening to any music?"

"No. Would you- would you sing? To me?" Niall sounded embarrassed, but Zayn smiled. 

"If you're sure you want to hear my voice."

"I bet you're fantastic. And...it might help."

"Alright," Zayn said; "what do you want to hear?"

"Do you know Skyscraper by Demi Lovato?" Niall asked shyly. "I love that song."

"I do, actually," Zayn said, suddenly glad for it. He hummed for a moment to decide on pitch and then sang softly into the phone, trying not to be too loud and keep Niall awake. 

When he finished and Niall didn't respond, he ended the call and turned over, falling back to sleep and dreaming of a sad boy with beautiful blue eyes.   
. . . . . . . . . . 

"Hey," Zayn greeted, waving. Niall smiled at him, waiting for him to shut the door of his house before continuing on toward the school. 

"What's up?" Niall asked. 

"Eh. Just bored. Barely finished my homework because I'm that ADD."

"I think everyone has ADD to a certain extent," Niall told him, "so that's either a very understandable or very lousy excuse."

Zayn shrugged. "Well, I still got it done, so I'm fine."

"Okay."

"How are you?"

"Tired," Niall said, laughing slightly. "I'm sorry I called you at 2 in the morning. That was awful of me."

"No, it's okay," Zayn reassured him. "I'm glad you called."

"Why?"

"Because then I knew you were safe, you know? And I was glad to help. All of this has sort of made me feel...well, a little helpless."

"I'm sorry."

"Niall. Not everything bad in the world is your fault, and not everything you do is wrong. You have to understand that."

"I know."

"Do you?" Zayn asked, and Niall remained silent. They walked on in silence, Zayn worrying about the boy beside him. As they reached the school, Niall stopped. 

"Thank you for helping me," he said. "I know dealing with me isn't easy."

"Do you really think that? It's a wonderful thing to know you, Niall. I'm glad I do."

Niall turned to him, eyes brimming with tears, and Zayn dropped his backpack, wrapping his arms around Niall tightly. 

"Hey, it's okay," he whispered. "It's okay."

"Thank you," Niall said again. "Thank you."

Zayn gave him a moment before he pulled away, picking up his bag and entering the school with him.  
. . . . . . . . . . 

The school day passed uneventfully, Niall ignoring the whispers of the kids who still gossiped about the scene that had unfolded several days before. When Zayn wasn't around, his mind drifted to the razor in his bag. He didn't take it out more than once, and he didn't make a single cut, his mind wandering as he turned the gleaming blade over in his hands before putting it away. 

His mind kept drifting to Zayn. Even though it had only been several days since they'd met, he felt like the other boy knew him better than anyone ever had. He felt like being himself wasn't such a terrible thing when Zayn was near, and his smiles were genuine, his mind finding happier things to contemplate. But could letting Zayn in end well? Whenever Zayn wasn't around, he suddenly felt terrified that he would leave, that he would become tired of Niall and find someone better. But when Zayn was there, those fears went away. He didn't quite know how to explain it, it just was. 

He walked home with Zayn, talking about music. He couldn't believe how fantastically Zayn sang, and managed to get Zayn to agree to sing with him some time. The other boy smiled and hugged him before he went into his house, and Niall smiled all the way home. 

He got home to a mess.  
. . . . . . . . . . 

Zayn's mobile rang at exactly 6:43. Seeing Niall's name again, he answered right away. 

"Niall?"

"Zayn, I-I'm scared." Niall DID sound scared, and Zayn's breath caught. 

"What's wrong, Niall? What happened?"

"My mum and dad- they're getting a divorce." His voice cracked and Zayn heard a choked off sob. "I've tried so hard to help them stay together, to try to keep the remainder of my family together, but it didn't work. They're gone right now, they're working some things out with a lawyer."

"Fuck, Niall, I'm so sorry," Zayn said, worrying that he was missing something. "How can I help?"

"I don't think anyone can."

"What?"

"I don't know why I would stay around. I don't know why I'm here in the first place. I don't know anything and I can't feel. Zayn, I can't feel!" Niall was panicking, sobbing into the phone, and Zayn's heart broke for him.

"Niall, it's seems horrible right now, I know, but this isn't the end of the world. There's more to see, to find, to do. You've got so much you're going to do, I can feel it."

"How can you feel it? I won't be around."

"Niall? What does that mean?" Zayn asked, heart racing suddenly. There was silence on the other end. "Niall? Niall!"

"Thank you for everything, Zayn," Niall finally said, and hung up. 

The mobile slid from Zayn's fingers and hit the floor. He was out the door first, though, not noticing. He flew down the stairs and through the front door, running down the sidewalk faster than he'd ever run in his life. The short distance between their houses suddenly seemed so long, too long to make it in time-

For what? But no, there was no way he'd misinterpreted it. 

The Horan's front door was unlocked and he ran into the house, taking the stairs two at a time. 

"Niall!" He yelled, searching right and left. He wasn't in the first room. Zayn panicked, before spotting an open door and heading toward it. "Niall!" He yelled again. 

"Zayn?" Niall's voice came softly, and Zayn saw him, standing in the middle of the room. There was a pill bottle in his right hand, and Zayn froze. 

"Niall- did you-" 

"No," Niall said dully. "I didn't."

Zayn threw himself forward, grabbing Niall and pulling him close. "Oh God, please don't, Niall. Please. Don't do it!"

"But I don't want to live like this," Niall whispered into his shoulder, a few tears wetting Zayn's shirt. 

"Let me help," Zayn begged. "I'll do anything- just don't kill yourself."

Niall clung to him tightly, sobbing into his shoulder. Zayn stood there, letting him cry it out, knowing it was something the younger boy needed.  
After a while, he pulled back, reaching out a hand. 

"Can I have the bottle, Niall?" He asked, still nervous. Niall looked down at the sleeping pills reluctantly. 

"I- I don't know, Zayn."

"Niall, you haven't done it yet, please just....don't do it. Give me the bottle and don't ever think of this again," he begged. 

Niall took a step back and Zayn's heart stopped. "What if I should? I don't know if I want to, but what if it would be better for everyone else?"

"Niall, it would never be better for anyone if you were gone! Think what the world wouldn't have."

"That's why I'm thinking about this," Niall said. "Because the world wouldn't have me."

"Niall, please stay. Stay for me."

Niall's head shot up, his eyes locking with Zayn's. "For you?" He asked bitterly. "Why would you want me around? I realized, when I felt so wonderful around you, that I liked you too much for you to stay. People I get so close to always leave."

"What about Harry, Louis, and Liam?"

"They've left, in a sense. I know them, but it's not quite what I need."

"What do you need, Niall?"

"I don't know, I just don't know!" Niall cried. "To not be sad, for my parents to stay together, for me to be stronger, to actually feel like I'm worth something. I don't know!"

"Well, I know what I need," Zayn said. Niall looked at him curiously. Zayn stepped forward, reaching up and brushing his hand against Niall's cheek. He leaned forward, and Niall's eyes followed his every movement. "I need you, Niall," he said, before he closed the gap and kissed the younger boy. Niall's arms reached up and went around Zayn's neck as he kissed him back, the bottle falling to the floor and pills spilling out unnoticed. Zayn kissed Niall with abandon, wishing he could use the kiss to show Niall everything he saw in him. 

When he pulled away, Niall's eyes were wide. Zayn pressed his forehead to Niall's, their eyes meeting. 

"I know i've only known your for a short time, but I feel like it's been forever," Zayn said quietly. "Please, please don't leave me, Niall. I need you."

"I won't," Niall said finally. Zayn reached up again and brushed away a tear from Niall's cheek. "If you'll stay with me, I won't leave you."

"Thank you," Zayn said, cupping Niall's face. "Thank you," he said once more against his lips before he kissed him again.

Thank you, he thought, as he kissed him reverently.

**Author's Note:**

> Reviewwwwww


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